Her Type Of Love
Write to me something...
Something that makes me feel good,
Makes me feel loved,
Makes my heart pound,
Makes my mind heal,
I need something from you,
To ignite my thoughts,
To look forward to life,
To learn that hope is not hopeless,
Do write something to me, something...
I need some love,
Some genuine love,
Will you love me for sometime?
Will you love me like crazy?
Will you love me like real love?
Not the possessive love,
Not the egoistic,
Not the caring one too.
I need you to love me
I need the liberated love,
Where you let me live,
Let me breath,
Let me be myself,
And I let you be the same,
Then we live together in love!
This is how Siya defined her kind of love. Yet it never happened to her because she let them go and they never came back to her. After all they were not doves to return. They were more of migrating birds. They migrated from one heart to another if you would let them go. She could have caged them. But she believed if you cage then slowly but surely love will fade away. You will be left with a vacuum, nothingness. You feel the void when you are not in love. She did not want that anymore in her life as she had seen it enough. Done and dusted.
She always sought love. Never ever love came to her or whatever came to her was not love. So whenever someone asked her "do you have a boyfriend?" or "what's your love story?", she never had one in particular to talk about. Instead, she had a lot of them! Each time she unfolded a different story to different people. They called her Junior Madhavikkutty who was known as the princess of love. Those who read Madhavikkutty would know. Hence, Siya P Mahesh always had an ocean of love stories to tell. The most favourite of hers was her first love. Again, it can not be referred to as love to be precise. When you read along, you may decide.
The Unforgettable First Love
For anyone, first love is always unforgettable. It was no different for Siya too. The indelible story goes like this; Siya was in third grade when she met Moni. Moni was the studious boy in the class. The class leader of boys. Being the leader of girls she tried to impress the boy as far as possible yet never even a glance he returned. His shy demeanor made him more appealing to her. He looked at girls as if they were some weird creatures. Later, at some point he began to converse with her when there were no other ways left out rather than communicate with the other leader of the class. Siya too deliberately made some scenarios to keep the conversation on. She was thrilled. Unfortunately the next two incident trails made all her dreams turn into nightmares. It was difficult to tell whether the first one or the second one was more pathetic. That most unlucky day, appeared like a bad dream.
Third period Clara Miss was going on and on with her amazing Math skills. Siya has a fear of Mathematics. The hate towards Math insisted her to go to the washroom often in the middle of every Math class. Most of the time it was a fake act to scoot from that period. But that day was different. She really felt the pressure. When asked, the teacher denied. Obviously Clara Miss knew her tricks well by now. After a few moments it was unbearable that she couldn't hold it anymore and the pressure released. Sitting in the front row, she could feel her wet skirt touching her skin. Imagine the embarrassment. Tears made her little cheeks wet too. Later what happened, she can not recall clearly until now. Everything was foggy while the teacher took her out of the class.
Post this incident whatever image she was trying to build up in front of Moni was washed off in utter embarrassment. Apparently, those who excel in naming ceremonies in the class, gave her some fascinating new names. 'Siya Pee Mahesh' , Siya peeya, CM (Classil Mulli in Malayalam) etc were a few amongst them. Leave all that aside, then came the second thud. What a plight! Listen to this now.
Siya and her friends used to walk to school daily. Moni's house was on the way to school which was news to her. Recently she came to know that the red house with a dog on the front porch, that she was too scared of, was Moni's. Apart from Math, Siya had a fear of dogs too. Apparently, Moni's dog was a huge, scary one. Always his tongue outside, with a predator look on his face, he reminded her of a monster. Their front gate used to be always closed. Still Siya was scared to death even to look at the monster. She never knew this monster dog was going to play the role of the villain in her first love story.
That particular day, Siya and her friends were dawdling back home after class. They reached near Moni's house and Siya spotted the monster lying on the left side of the road showing his shiny monstrous fangs. How did he come out? Did they forget to close the gate? How should I pretend that I am not scared of him? So many questions and no answers flashed in front of her like a term exam Math question paper. Her heartbeat raised to the extent that she could clearly hear the "dhak dhak karne laga…" song running in background. She changed her side from left to right cunningly. But Mr.Villain was the cleverest. He could smell something fishy from miles away. Perhaps, Siya and the dogs shared some kind of telepathic relationship. They always knew when Siya was around and came for her.
"Aiyooo!!..." She made a subtle cry. Disney her best friend, warned her not to say Aiyyoo anymore because her grandmother told her that Aiyyoo was the devil's son's name. If you utter that word he will come for you right away. True that! "He is right in front of us now." She cried again.
Our villain too got up and changed sides seeing the suspicious moves of Siya. They both performed some kabadi movements and finally the villain was almost near Siya. He was gunning for the perfect prey. That moment of lightning, she chose to run as fast as possible. She screamed for help on top of her voice and ran for her life. Till then with all suspicious looks there stood the villain like a vigilant police officer. Upon hearing the loud cry and seeing her running for no reason, the villain was indeed certain about his assumptions. He too started chasing the culprit.
Moni's mother who was about to drink her evening tea after a tiring day, came out running towards the gate hearing the loud cry of a girl and opened the gate. In that hurry the gate hit her chest in full force and she fell down with a thud. Siya's friends came running towards her. Meanwhile, Siya's marathon came to an abrupt end in front of Moni and his father who went out to buy veggies. Siya hid behind Moni's father. The villain too stopped seeing his boss. For the first time, Siya saw a wide smile on Moni 's face. She couldn't really figure out that deep smile though.
What a pity! She was shattered into pieces. The rest of the story need not be told I guess.
Next day, the whole school was giggling at her. She and Disney were discussing the evil day occurred and took some strong decisions.
Siya pouted and blabbered, "Now they will give me new names again yaar. Moreover, the whole village would have come to know about this now. I don't think I will get a bridegroom from this village anymore." At that tender age she believed marriage was the ultimate goal of life and if you didn't, you were useless. Your life was wasted. Hats off to the social conditioning.
Disney was very thoughtful in this regard. She said, "Don't you worry. Look, though Kerala looks like karela, we have fourteen districts and so many villages in each district. If not from this village you will get your match from any one of these. So just calm down girl. Just forget this Moni... Maani and all. He doesn't deserve you."
Siya felt the breath of life. So there are still chances, she sighed. Though her first love went in vain, she felt happy to go by the board.
Shades of love
Years went by, Siya had many relationships. Unfortunately or fortunately, nothing worked out. Her friends considered her gullible enough to fall in love over and over again. However, she felt like falling in love with love itself each time. She was not in love with those people, she was in love with love itself and that made the difference.
Neverthless, at some point of her journey Siya found out love is not the thing for her though she sought love everywhere. She learnt that education and being independent is most important. She also learnt many other lessons. Love comes and goes. And love is not a thing for all. Love is not that simple too. If it was that simple, no one would have been interested in love because people like to stick with complex things. They do not like simple things in life.
Most of the time relationships are loveless, she felt. Let it be living together, boyfriend-girlfriend or married couple. Either you or your partner controls the other. It is fine as long as both are happy about changing themselves for love. But when it is a deliberate act to change someone in the name of love and the other person feels suffocated in your love, the scenario turns unpleasant causing distress. That's not her type of love hence her lovelife was loveless always.
One such partner whom she crossed her path with was Sharan. As usual this also looked like a perfect relationship in the initial stages. So much love and care. Later she noticed her friend circle had reduced. She was an outgoing, bubbly person. She made friends everywhere she went. But Sharan made faces if she made a new friend or been close with any friend. If she had a girlfriend then he named her as a lesbian. If any boyfriend then he blamed that she was in another relationship. He isolated her in all means in the name of love and care. She couldn't even recognise the trap at first. But going forward she was loosing her energy, weight and enthusiasm even in daily chores. Whatever she did, he found some or other issues and convinced her to quit. Each day went in distress and fights. Two years felt like two centuries for her. The harm he caused to her self respect was beyond words. It took another year to bounce back to normal. From then on she could spot the red flags anywhere and anytime. Possessiveness can not be named as love. You can be possessive but there is a thin line between possessiveness and controlling. Once you cross it you will ruin your relationships.
Once she found the right partner though. It was all glittery, cheesy and chocolaty like any other love. It was her type of love, the liberated one. No ego; only love. No conditions; only respect. Now you are thinking what went wrong then?! Nothing was wrong, it was just a mutually agreed thoughtful break-up. At times we need to realize that we are not going to live only for ourselves. We need family too. According to them, what if they got married and yet could not lead a peaceful life! What's the point in living together in the absence of love? Do not live for love, instead love to feel the liveliness of life. It is not necessary that all love affairs should end up in marriage in order to be called successful. Sometimes you might have to give up on your 'right partner' and move on. It is alright.
His father got an attack and did not wish this marriage to happen. His mother too begged Siya for her husband's life. As Siya knew how much he valued his parents and family, she knew without family it was not going to be a happy ending for both of them. It was a thoughtful, planned break-up. Both on the same page, with heart wrenching pain, both wept for days and then accepted the truth. Love is painful. It is not all about roses. Love taught her to be kind, tolerant, compassionate and to unlearn many many theories. Love made her a better person.
Siya could have become a love guru! It is all magical and she knew the magic pretty well. She understood the tricks way before they were performed. Many lovers were looking forward to her love quotes and they were the most celebrated among them. Many approached for advice and some for counseling.
We are all prejudiced about love and relationships. Love should be like this, that etc. Let go off the prejudices you are holding on to. Be in love with love. Only then you can love peacefully. She is at peace with love now.
It was a pretty tough, emotional yet beautiful journey she had. Love comes with pain and without pain no masterpiece is born in this world. In spite of being detached from love, Siya still loves to be in love. She loves all the different shades of love which transformed her into a conjurer of love, moreover a better human being.
Let you too find peace with love!